One week in. One week into our three-week visit to KY and one week into the Index-Card-a-Day (ICAD) challenge.
The first week of our visit has been predictably busy, a juggle of work and visiting, of work and play, of work and art, of work and talking, of work and laughing. There have been lots and lots of card games. Each year something different emerges as a favorite. One of our favorites, Rook, is really a 4-player game, and this year the youngest wants to play more often than he did in the past, so I’ve been sitting out more than usual. But there have been plenty of games of Phase 10, numerous games of Spades, a round or two of Hearts, and some hands of Durak (a new to us game).
I started tracking which games we play, which everyone else finds very funny.
Today is a day off, my first deliberate “vacation” day off of work, and I find myself up earlier than everyone else, which I always enjoy. I enjoy the quiet. I enjoy the dark. I enjoy the moments of possibility at the day yet to be.
Alarms have beeped all night. When I got up the last time at 5-something to again press glucose snacks into the mouth of a sleeping boy who eats now without waking, I stayed up. The house was dark. I thought about sitting at the kitchen table with a light on to work on an unfinished drawing, but instead I sat with my coffee in the dark.
My first cup of coffee is empty now, and the room has lightened. I have checked on Facebook and Instagram, and yet the weight of words is in my head. I hear birds out the window, and in the dim morning light, I saw more than one cat traipse across the border of the yard, skirting the perimeter, this yard a pass-through between here and there, endpoints on some mysterious feral cat trail.
We have seen Wonder Woman. We have been to the gym. We have been to the bowling alley. We have contemplated hair color. We have debated colors and, ultimately, compromised on a color so that we can share a color. I have marveled at the number of ballpoint pens floating in this house. My mother tells me that advertisement pens come in the mail here. Hearing this, and seeing examples tucked in pen containers everywhere, I laugh and realize that some of you listening may also have found it very odd to hear that I only turned up a few giveaway pens. I had no idea that in some places, giveaway pens were so common.
But I have surprised myself… after my initial disappointment (which was probably to be expected) with the X-tra Smooth Bic blue pen (Episode 241), I have returned to it, over and over, and I have become attached. One of the Holiday Inn pens I used since arriving was fussy and troublesome, and it has made me hesitate over using the free pens, afraid that I can’t get the light stroke and tone with enough consistency to finish a drawing. I have returned to the Bic again and again, and, I am enamored with the blue. Every day I consider whether I will use blue or black for the given drawing on whatever layered card I have pulled out for the day, and the blue has a warmth right now that I want to embody and explore and inhabit.
This weight of words has been heavy over the last few hectic days. I keep wanting to post in CMP group, “Do you miss me?” “Do you know I am gone?” In truth, I am probably there as much as always, but I feel “gone” because I am away from the podcast. I feel it keenly. I feel the passing days, all the creative thought, the philosophic subtext to who I am these days, the stream of words that are not being captured. I feel it, and I resent the pause.
I did not order the equipment I wanted for travel because, for me, it is expensive. If I had done it, I would have, ideally, done it ahead of time and had it here waiting. Once that moment passed, I figured it was “over,” but throughout week one, it has been on my mind. I am “this” close to ordering. It won’t allow me to produce and release shows because I don’t have a laptop. But I have this romanticized thought that I could sit and record, that I could walk around a lake or a country road and record, that I could capture these moments in real-time and post them later… an audio diary of sorts… which is what the podcast is on some level.
I am still thinking, and when I opened a file to write this morning, my intent was to document ICAD so far. Instead, I found myself wandering over thoughts I have been playing with over and over, mulling, for days. I wish I had ordered two weeks ago. I wish I had ordered last week. I wish I had ordered two days ago. I just checked…. and if I order today, it will still be here Saturday.
Podcasts would not reach you until July, but I would have captured them real-time… which matters to me.
Sometimes we write our way to our own answers.
I wanted to ask if anyone notices I am away, if anyone spotted Episode 243, which I released after I left, if anyone will notice this week that there is no new show.
But I feared the answer. I feared my own neediness in asking.
I wanted to ask because even a few “yes” comments would help convince me that catering to this “wish” over “need” is okay.
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